


lucky to be loved by you

by DoctorFitzy (KittooningMalijah)



Series: angst war verse [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29132388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittooningMalijah/pseuds/DoctorFitzy
Summary: Deke goes on his first solo mission as an agent, and it turns out everyone has a reason to worry.
Relationships: Leo Fitz & Deke Shaw & Jemma Simmons, Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons, Trevor Khan & Leo Fitz, Trevor Khan/Deke Shaw
Series: angst war verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137770
Comments: 10
Kudos: 10
Collections: QuakeriderValentine'sDay





	lucky to be loved by you

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the QWG Valentine's Day flowers challenge. My prompt was trevordeke + four leaf clover, a flower symbolizing good luck.
> 
> While this takes place in the same universe as [you're (still) all over me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435370), you _do not_ have to read that one to understand this one. That was written for 2020's angst war, and the warnings on it are not to be taken lightly, so if that's not something you're comfortable reading, you will still be able to understand this. There are a few cursory mentions of Sequoia and "a bad relationship," but this fic does not go into detail about it at all.
> 
> And a _huge_ shoutout to Jess for letting me scream about this fic last night. She's the reason this has a title at all.

"Agent Shaw, you'll be running point on this mission. You'll need to get in, establish a cover, and get the information. You'll be gone for about two weeks, backup will only be a radio away, but you'll have to go in alone. Do you think that you can handle that?"

Deke let out a slow breath at the vague description of the mission, trying to make himself nod his head. After the threat from Sarge and Izel was gone and he'd been granted full agent status, he'd gotten to join field teams on a few missions between training sessions, only when they were sure he could be useful. He'd never done anything  _ alone _ before. Everything else had involved at least two other trained agents who had his back, and none of those assignments had involved a cover.

"Yeah, of course. C'mon, Mack, look who you're talking to." He tried to put on a smile, exude the same confidence he felt when he was in charge of a tech company and not putting his life in danger on a daily basis. It was an act, but one he was good at, and it wasn’t like SHIELD’s director needed much convincing. “When do I head out?”

Mack’s gaze lingered in him for a long moment, searching, making him feel more vulnerable than he liked to feel. “Alright. The quintet will be ready by eight, tomorrow morning. You’ll be briefed on the flight.”

-

"Your first solo field assignment? That's exciting!" Jemma looked up from the microscope in front of her, her gaze moving up to her grandson perched on the edge of the table nearby. "You're a proper agent, now."

There was a scoff from the other side of the lab, and the room was small enough that the accented mutter that followed it might as well have been an announcement. "Yeah, and pigs just flew by. He's barely trained."

"Nana, Bobo's being mean again." Deke shook his head with a small frown, staying settled where he was on the edge of the table.  _ "Mack _ thinks I'm good enough to be a full fledged agent with my own missions. Fancy missions, with a cover, and everything."

He opened his mouth to say more, but he was interrupted when footsteps sounded from the hall and carried another familiar face into the lab. When he looked over, he didn't even try to hide the smile that tugged at his lips, the sight of his boyfriend always a welcome one. After everything they'd been through, being able to see each other as often as they did, living so close to each other, it was the best way to stave off any worries around missions they went on without the other.

Trevor smiled while pushing himself up onto the table next to him, letting their shoulders brush while he got settled. "I'm completely free until lunch. What kind of party are we having in here? Or are we just bothering Fitz and Simmons while they try to do real work?"

Deke rolled his eyes and waved off the question easily. "I already completely derailed their productivity. Now, we're talking about my mission tomorrow. It's my first solo field mission, kind of a big deal." Turning enough to wink over at him, he shook his head. "Hold your applause until I leave in the morning, please."

"A  _ solo _ mission, huh? That's cool. What is it? Artifact retrieval? Data mining? Or are you tailing someone? You'll have to tell me all about it during movie night." Trevor smiled and gently nudged his shoulder with his own. "Should I be calling in our usual so you can come back to pizza night?"

There was quiet for a moment before Deke lifted a hand to run his fingers through his hair, pointedly avoiding his boyfriend's eager gaze. "Well... it's undercover. For a couple weeks."

The only sound that followed was a gentle  _ tink _ while Fitz set down his tool on the other side of the lab, no one daring to break the quiet that had fallen. Missions happened all the time, solo or with a team, but extended undercover operations were rarer. They only had so many agents to spare after everything that had happened, and even letting someone as new to the field as  _ Deke _ go for too long was a risk. Anything could happen; it was  _ SHIELD,  _ after all.

"A couple weeks." It was Jemma who spoke up, looking over at her grandson with a plain look of concern. "And where, exactly, will this undercover operation be taking place? If you're going in alone, we should have a team on standby just in case something goes wrong."

"Nana, I don't think I'm allowed to just tell anyone that information." He didn't have to look down to know that Trevor's hand had moved closer to his, not quite touching, and the worry in the room from all sides was suffocating. "And I'll be  _ fine. _ I wouldn't even be going if Mack didn't think I could handle it, right? I'm super capable Agent Shaw, now."

The tension in the room eased, but only slightly, and it was Trevor's voice that came from his side, next. "Well, my first solo field mission was an extended undercover operation, and I think that went well."

"Trev, we were attacked by an alien double of Coulson and we almost died."

"Yeah, that's true. But it's also how we met, so I'm going to count it as a win." Shaking his head, Trevor finally grabbed his hand and gave his fingers a gentle squeeze. "And, you're right, you're a very capable SHIELD agent, now, not that arrogant CEO. You don't need me to babysit you every time you leave the base. Pretty soon, you'll be the one watching  _ my _ back, in the field."

-

It was when the door was closed between them and the rest of the base, the credits of the same movie they watched every week rolling on the laptop's small screen, that the mission came up again. They hadn't even been paying attention for the last half hour of the plot, his arm stretched out across Trevor's lap while blue ink was rolled onto his skin with a ballpoint pen. It wasn't the first time that they'd practiced that particular tradition, and he knew the doodles would be gone after a shower if he wanted to put the effort into scrubbing them off, but that inconvenience was far from his mind.

The first time they'd been there, in that exact position, was before his first mission as an official agent. The next time was when Trevor went home for his sister's birthday, his first visit since they officially became a couple. They'd been there, again, when Deke went on his first mission that he wasn't a part of. The most recent time was about a week after the first time they'd slept together. It always meant the same thing. Because it was a rare occasion when his boyfriend got anxious, even rarer still when that anxiety turned into energy that made him fidget, and more times than not, the nervous movement turned into doodles.

Actually, he didn't think he'd actually seen the drawings anywhere but his own skin since they'd both been working at the company office. 

Between the familiar song and the soothing, rhythmic motion of the pen against his arm, Deke was able to let his eyes slide closed, but he was nowhere near sleep. He couldn't let his guard down during moments like these. After all the times that his own anxiety had made life hard for others, he wanted to be able to be there and help the people he cared about with the same thing.

"Trev... I know you're doing that because you're worried. It's just a mission. I go on them all the time, remember?" He offered up a small smile and opened one eye, moving his arm enough to give Trevor's leg a gentle nudge while hopefully not disrupting the art he was creating. "I always come back safe. That's not going to change just because I don't have a whole team of people helping me out. I'm a very capable SHIELD-"

"A  _ capable SHIELD agent,  _ yeah, I know." The frown tugging the corners of his boyfriend's mouth downward made him pause, letting him speak. "But I'm not worried about whether or not you can do your job, Deke, you've proven that you're able to do this since before you were officially an agent. You can still kick my ass in  _ Remorath Rumble,  _ for goodness sake. But that doesn't mean that there won't be complications or that someone won't try to hurt you. You're going undercover, god knows where, and you have to sell this illusion to someone who could be  _ extremely _ dangerous."

Deke hesitated for a moment before slowly shaking his head, his voice at a whisper. "Hey, babe? I don't know how to tell you this, but I've kind of lived my  _ entire life _ selling illusions. You were there, for some of it. I made a lot of money doing it."

"That's not what I meant."

They both fell quiet after that, the pen still moving and getting ever closer to his wrist. The scar there didn't bother him much, anymore, but there were still only a handful of people who were allowed anywhere near it. Trevor was one of them, but that didn't make him any less on edge when there was ink only inches away. He could scrub the rest of his arm without any worries. He preferred to leave that part of it alone, if he could help it.

His own nerves made him speak up quickly, even if he was still whispering to preserve the lingering peace in the moment. Anxiety and worries aside, they were actually getting a night to spend to themselves without training or some emergency waiting just on the other side of the door. He wanted to hold onto it, if he could, even if the conversation they'd been having was far from that ideal feeling of peace. "What are you drawing, this time? Anything fun?"

Trevor let out a slow breath and his shoulders slowly sagged while he let out some of the tension he'd been holding there. "Just... stars, a tree, this flower... little, easy things. You fidget too much for me to draw anything too complicated."

With a pout, Deke tried to roll over enough to look at the ink on his skin, wanting a better look. "I don't  _ fidget.  _ You're the one who's literally drawing on me, right now.  _ You _ fidget. Let me see."

"No. Stay still, or I'll put the pen away and you'll only get a three leaf clover."

"A  _ what?" _

Trevor sighed again, glancing over at him with a small shake of his head and a soft smile. "Right. Future man doesn't know what clovers are." He gently lifted the doodled on arm so that his current piece could be seen easily, gesturing to it with the plastic end of the pen that couldn't make a stray mark anywhere he didn't want it. The small drawing in question was only about an inch and a half from the large scar, out of the way but close enough that it conveyed exactly how much worry the artist had been trying to push down. "They're these plants that are found all over the place. When I was in elementary school, a bunch of us used to spend all of recess looking through the grass to find them - most of them only have three leaves, but if you find one with four, it's supposed to be a sign of good luck. So, I, uh... I was drawing one, for you. For your mission. For good luck."

Blinking, Deke stared at him for a long moment before even letting his gaze flicker back to the blue ink on his arm. He could tell what was supposed to be leaves, spreading out from a central point, and maybe it wouldn't have meant as much to him if he couldn't have seen the concern that was so poorly veiled behind familiar brown eyes. At least, before they were together, pretending that the dangers of their job didn't scare them both was easier. Now, when they were settling into their relationship and what it all meant, the things that could tear them apart seemed even scarier.

"Oh... well, I don't really  _ need _ good luck, but-"

"No, you're right. It was stupid, and I'm doing that worrying thing. Here, I'll just..."

Licking his thumb, Trevor brought it down toward his arm, only to have it tugged away before he could do anything that would so much as smudge the most recent drawing. "Don't you  _ dare. _ I love it, and I'm keeping it, even if it is silly. But... that makes sense, for us, right? I'm a little bit ridiculous and silly, so it's perfect. Daisy would probably say it fits my  _ whole vibe,  _ or something like that."

He looked up to see a small smile, and maybe some relief in it, before a hand found his hand and pulled his arm over again. "Alright, alright, then I'm at least going to  _ finish  _ it. Stay still."

Deke relaxed into the blankets around them and closed his eyes again, letting the moment settle back into place. The gentle movement of the ballpoint was back to its soothing, familiar pace, and he was sure he could fall asleep right where he was if given the time and permission. In fact, he almost did before the pen was suddenly pulled from his skin.

"Wait. How long is your mission? Do I have to cancel our reservation? Are we seriously going to miss our first Valentine's Day together because of  _ work?" _

Sitting up with a small, fond smile, he leaned over to press a soft kiss to Trevor's cheek. "Two weeks. I already did the math, and you don't have to do  _ anything _ about the reservation. I'll be back in time for us to go to our fancy pink dinner on the fancy pink holiday, just like you wanted. Seriously, if it interfered with anything, I would have told Mack I wouldn't be able to do it." He met his boyfriend's gaze with a wider smile, resting his chin on the nearest sweatered shoulder while he added, with a pointed tone: "We might be agents, but this job can't dictate our entire lives. You're the one who taught me that. And you're way more important to me than this job."

-

While he didn't remember falling asleep in the bunk that wasn't assigned to him, waking up there, with familiar arms around him, was easily the best place to be. Even if he had to leave in a matter of hours, and he really did need to get up and shower and get his gear, the sound of gentle snoring, muffled in the slightly too big t-shirt that covered his shoulders, was somehow even more soothing than the pen that had drawn on his skin.

If he really did have to be gone for a few weeks, at least he got to sleep in his boyfriend's arms before he had to leave.

Deke did make himself get up eventually, reluctantly taking the hallway to his own bunk so that he could get ready and change into clean clothes. He still didn't know what to expect from the mission, for the most part, but he wanted to be comfortable. Dressed in jeans, a comfortable shirt that wasn't technically his, and his usual corduroy jacket, he made his way to the hangar as quickly as he could, the minutes ticked closer to when he would have to board the quinjet. It would take him away, with his briefing and his pilot, and then it would just be him.

Alone.

That wouldn't be a horribly new experience, at least.

"Deke!"

He was shaken away from the tempting darkness of that train of thought by a familiar voice, turning around and letting himself smile. "Hey, Nana. Come to see me off? You know I'll be back, right?"

"Oh, hush. Is this going to keep you warm enough? What if it snows?"

"Jemma, it's almost February."

"We don't know where he's  _ going,  _ Fitz."

Deke smiled and shook his head, letting her adjust the jacket on his shoulders while trying to relax. Even if his nerves were starting to make themselves known, he didn't want to worry his family, especially when there was no  _ reason _ for them to worry about him. They had their own work to focus on, and their own missions, when the opportunities came up. "I'll be warm enough, Nana, I promise. If this isn't enough, I'm sure I'll be able to get something warmer."

She had a hand up to run her fingers through his growing hair before he could say anything else, pushing it out of his eyes. "Well, if you can't, I'll make sure we put something warmer in a drop, if Mack can arrange it. I got all kinds of things the first time I went undercover. Coulson even broke into my place and made me dinner."

"Jemma..." Fitz put a hand at the small of her back, reminding her to  _ breathe _ so that they wouldn't all end up more stressed than they'd started. "It's two weeks, not a deep undercover operation. At most, he'll get one call with Mack before he's extracted. He'll be  _ fine." _

Deke pushed himself to smile that much wider, nodding quickly. "Bobo's right. I mean, I was able to keep a ton of SHIELD tech safe and a secret for a year, remember? And that was with another agent who could have blown his cover and gotten caught at  _ any _ point. I think I did okay, there. This will be a piece of cake."

"Talking about me?" Trevor's voice came from only a few feet away, and he spun around with a more genuine smile. "Did you honestly think you could sneak out without me noticing? My  _ job,  _ for that year you're bragging about right now, was to follow your every move, and I think I know by now what it feels like when you get out of bed."

He stepped forward without hesitation, letting himself be pulled into a tight hug. When he spoke, his words were muffled, though it didn't matter when they were only meant for the man he had his arms around. "I'll be back before you know it, and we can go to dinner, and watch  _ Breakfast Club _ again. You'll barely even miss me."

"That last part isn't true, and you know it."

"Yeah, I know. But, hey, I've got a good luck charm." He pulled back with a smile, winking before he spoke again quickly. "Seriously, Trev, you worry too much."

-

Between rare training sessions and the fact that there weren't a lot of missions to be assigned, Trevor had way too much free time. With it, he practically lived in the quiet, smaller lab that Fitz and Simmons had claimed for themselves, doing what he could to make their jobs easier as long as it provided a distraction. He'd lost count of how many pencils he'd sharpened and how many extra tools he'd gone on runs to the main lab for in just six days, and in one of the short breaks he got when they were still settling in after lunch, he perched at the edge of a table. It was the exact same space that Deke usually took up, when he was there, when he wasn't off doing their dangerous job all on his own.

He hadn't been able to talk about it, much, but he really did miss Deke more than he wanted to admit.

Even calling his sister didn't do anything to alleviate the ache and worry that had settled in his chest, not that he’d really expected it to. When it came to working for SHIELD, there was a very small list of people he was allowed to tell about certain aspects of the job. His family could know who he worked for, but not where he was based, not what his missions were or when they happened, not  _ anything _ about any active operations. Deke being sent into the field fell under that umbrella, which meant that his conversations over Skype and text had to be carefully worded. He could say he missed his boyfriend because they both had busy schedules, but saying any more than that would be a security risk. He understood it, and he followed the rules, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. 

Slowly swinging his feet where they were hanging above the floor, Trevor took a deep breath and let himself speak up. “He’s gonna be just fine, right? He’s gonna come back and rub it in our faces how good he is at this and we’ll feel stupid for worrying at all?” The lab was otherwise quiet, and his words seemed to take up the whole of the empty air between himself and the two scientists at the other table. He  _ felt _ stupid, for worrying, because a mission was  _ not _ the worst thing that his boyfriend will have survived. He’d survived an apocalyptic future, and the Kree, and an almost apocalypse, and a year in a completely unfamiliar world, and a bad relationship... a solo mission with a set time table and defined goals would not be the thing that took him out of commission for any amount of time.

“He’s probably laughing at all of our worrying right now.” Fitz scratched the back of his neck, letting out a slow sigh before he shrugged. “Well, not  _ my _ worrying, because I’m way better at hiding it than you guys, but yeah. He’s going to come back and laugh in our faces.”

With a scoff, Jemma reached over to gently hit her husband’s chest with the back of her hand. “Oh, hush. You’re worried, too. Just because you hide behind that grumpy old man exterior doesn’t mean you’re not scared like the rest of us.”

“I am not  _ scared.  _ I will admit that I’m worried, because it’s a very normal way to react to all of this, but being  _ scared _ is not. I am healthily concerned.”

“He’s alone. We might be  _ worried _ about him, but... do you think  _ he’s  _ scared?” Trevor bit his tongue after he spoke, the words hanging in the new quiet for a few moments too long. 

No one had time to provide a speculative answer before the lab door slid open, an out of breath Daisy leaning in the doorway. The look on her face made his stomach drop even before she spoke, and he slowly pushed himself to his feet so that he would be ready to move. They  _ were _ a little overdue for some world ending emergency. 

“The comm team lost contact with Deke, last night. They thought he just missed it to keep his cover, but then he didn’t check in this morning, and...”

She didn’t have to say anything else. They all knew what the implications were when an agent went missing in the field.

-

After that, everything had gone so quickly. Fitz and Simmons had been summoned to help the communications team try to regain contact in case it was a false alarm. An extraction and recovery team had been sent out in less than an hour in case it wasn’t. Trevor wasn’t allowed to go, because they didn’t know what they would find, and he sat in the hanger with his back against the stone wall, as if watching the big doors would make the quinjet come back any faster.

When it had just been a regular mission, he had been worried, and he never denied that. Now that his boyfriend was considered missing, he felt something else coiling in his gut.  _ Fear.  _ It made it hard to breathe, if he let his thoughts linger on it, so he tried to focus on  _ anything _ else. Like how Deke would probably step off the plane laughing, without a scratch on him, and they would get to watch a movie as soon as he was done giving his debrief. Like how they were all overreacting over some technical difficulties. Like how he was asleep and he’d wake up and he’d have Deke in his arms again and everything would be  _ fine. _

There was a presence next to him, and he was too focused on the paper to-go cup being gently pressed into his hand to even try to figure out who it was. He didn’t have to put much effort into it when a very Scottish voice sounded from the same space, gentle and warm, a tone he had  _ never  _ heard from him before. 

“Drink this. It’s tea. Some decaf version of the usual kind we get. Caffeine probably won’t help any of us, right now.”

Slowly, Trevor lifted the cup to sip from it, and the subtle citrus notes that lingered on his tongue afterwards only made his heart ache even more. “Thanks... how is Simmons doing, with all of this? I know she was really worried when he left, too...”

Fitz shook his head and sipped from his own cup before letting out a sigh. “She’s scared, like we all are. I made her take her tea back to our bunk and rest for a while. All of this extra stress, it’s... it’s just not good for her, right now...” He shook his head again with a small frown, keeping the warm cup in both hands but not drinking from it again just yet. "But, if she's going to be trying to take a nap, I figured you could use some company. And, well, not to be a stereotype, but making tea always helps me relax, so..."

Trevor nodded and glanced over at him, sipping at the tea again and letting the warmth seep into him. It was good, and while he preferred his usual coffee, he wasn't going to deny a fresh cup of anything hot. "So... how's the world's grumpiest Bobo doing with all of this? I know you worry, even if you don’t show it like we do. Did making tea help?”

There was a sigh, and a long moment of quiet. “I’m scared. For... kind of selfish reasons?” Fitz frowned down at the tea in his hands and his voice grew quieter. “There’s an anniversary coming up. This time of year has been hard. I don’t think I could bear to lose more family, right now.”

“We aren’t losing him.” Trevor shook his head quickly, shifting his gaze back to the doors overhead, as if the team had actually been gone long enough for them to open at any moment. “You said it yourself. He’s going to come back and laugh in our faces for worrying about him at all. I mean... he’s a-”

_ “Very capable agent.”  _ The words were said in unison, and they both let themselves smile before Fitz mumbled into his cup of tea. “So I keep hearing...”

-

He didn’t laugh in their faces when he got back. He wasn’t even conscious. He was  _ alive,  _ but that didn’t mean much when he wasn’t talking, when he wasn’t making some ridiculous joke, when he wasn’t  _ Deke. _

The only other time Trevor had seen him like this had been after the attack on the company’s building, when Sarge’s lackey had gotten close enough with a knife. At least, then, the cause had been sedatives, something that could be stopped at any time when the doctors felt like he was recovered enough to be awake. This was different. He was unconscious  _ because _ he was hurt, not to recover from it, and there was only so much the doctors on staff could do. 

He’d taken up a spot in the chair next to Deke’s bed as soon as visitors were allowed, and refused to move. He sustained himself on the daily cup of tea that Fitz brought and whatever Daisy could bring him from the kitchen around lunch time, got up only to go to the bathroom, and didn’t even go down the hall that led to the bunks.

For four days. 

The fourth day wasn’t really any different from the others, not at first. Of that afternoon’s usual three visitors, none of them had gotten any real rest the night before, and the decaf tea they had wasn’t helping with the exhaustion. That was why, when sound came from the bed in the middle of the room, none of them paid attention to it. It was easier to believe that they were imagining things than to believe there was any actual progress.

Jemma was the first to notice the change, looking across the bed to get her husband's attention and pausing when she saw the blankets shift. She was on her feet quickly, stepping forward and reaching for her grandson's twitching fingers. "Deke? Hey... it's okay..."

"Oh... Nana...? When did you get here...?"

Setting his tea aside, Fitz stepped forward, relief clear in his eyes while he leaned some of his weight against the side of the mattress. "You really scared us... You're safe, back on base. Medical says they couldn't figure out what was wrong, but they'd be able to look closer once you were awake, so that's... that's probably gonna happen over the next few days, depending on how you're feeling..."

"Bobo...?" Deke frowned and shifted on the bed, trying to sit up until two sets of hands gently eased him back into the pillows. "You sound funny... are you  _ crying...?" _

_ "No."  _ He answered quickly, shaking his head. "Well...  _ maybe.  _ You scared the  _ crap  _ out of us, Deke! You were comatose when you got back, and no one knew what was wrong!"

"Wait, wait..." Shaking his head, Deke reached over to hold onto his fingers and took a deep breath, trying to process everything. "Wait... how long? What day is it? If I missed our fancy pink date, Trevor's gonna  _ kill _ me-"

"I  _ should  _ kill you right now for worrying us all like that." The words were meant to be harsh, that much was clear, but the bite of it was undercut by the clear concern and worry still lingering in his tone. Trevor shuffled closer to the bed, running his fingers through his hair and starting to openly fidget. When he was practically alone in the room at night, when no one was watching, it was easier to let himself get caught up in habits he thought he'd kicked - picking at his nails, fluttering his fingers, scratching at every phantom itch - things he did just to get his nervous energy from his body into the air, as if that would ever help anything. There were too many people to let himself do any of those, all of them too obvious signs of his raging emotions, so when his hand came up from his hair to emphasize his words, he was quick to push it back down to his side. "And then Simmons would have to bring you back, because... because there's  _ no  _ way I could actually handle losing you..."

After a long moment of quiet, Jemma squeezed Deke's hand and offered up a weak, tired smile. "We'll give you two some time, come back when you're feeling up to more visitors. You really should be taking it easy."

Deke hesitated before nodding his head, reluctantly letting go of her fingers and taking a deep breath.

**(** _ "go get some tissues for bobo." _

_ "I'm not sad he got hurt, anymore." _

_ "oh, fitz."  _ **)**

A doctor had come in to look him over and check his vitals, to make sure everything was working how it was supposed to and he wasn't in danger of slipping into another coma. They couldn't be certain, for a few reasons, but they didn't see any reason to not let him rest and adjust to being stuck in bed. It wasn't like he was  _ alone,  _ after all.

The gentle pressure on his chest was reassuring, and the fingers tangled with his were warm. It was a nice reminder of the fact that his boyfriend didn't  _ actually _ hate him for screwing up on a mission, even if he was sure to get a lecture about it as soon as he was allowed to go back to his bunk. For a little while, he could pretend that everything was normal, even if it definitely wasn't.

"Trev, I don't think you're actually supposed to be laying here with me..."

"Shut up. I can hear your heartbeat, like this."

"I'm hooked up to machines. You can hear the beeping from the chair."

"It's not the same. I just need this right now, okay? Let me have this."

"Okay..."

They both fell quiet again, the room all but echoing with the beeping from the heart monitor only a few feet away. It was impossible for things to be  _ silent,  _ around them, but that was probably for the best. If it was silent, they'd be completely alone with their thoughts, all the things that made them nervous and scared, and that wouldn't be helpful to the situation at all.

Things were like that, quiet, for so long that Deke almost fell asleep, warm and comfortable under the weight of his self proclaimed cuddle buddy. And then the quiet, and the peace that came with it, were completely torn away.

"I should have been there..."

Taking a deep breath, Deke shook his head and kept his eyes closed. Maybe, if he tried to pretend everything was okay, he could still push the lecture off for a few days. "I know, I went out alone too soon, but I  _ really _ thought I could do it. I mean, it's different, right? It's one thing to go out with a team, but I couldn't even keep my cover for  _ a week. _ I shouldn't be an agent. I talk too much, and then I get nervous and I talk  _ more,  _ kind of like I'm doing right now, actually, but that's not really a great thing for a spy. Spies should be  _ mysterious,  _ and  _ cool,  _ and  _ not slip up after a few days." _

Trevor gave his fingers a squeeze, getting his attention easily and lifting his head to meet his gaze. "That's not what I meant. I mean  _ I  _ should have been there. I know it's not my job to babysit you anymore, and that's not what I want it to sound like, but... I couldn't protect you, when you needed me to. Not from this, not from aliens, not from Sequoia-"

"Okay, we're  _ definitely _ not talking about  _ that  _ right now. No one knew what was happening, not even me, so you couldn't have-"

_ "My point is,  _ you're a really good agent, Deke. We don't say it enough, but we're all thinking it. Sometimes, things go wrong, and it's not anyone's fault. There's a lot of risk on  _ any _ mission, especially when you're alone. You're not a worse agent than anyone else because something happened to go wrong." Squeezing his hand again, Trevor took a deep breath and put his head back down. He took a moment to listen to the heart beating under his ear before he spoke again, his voice low. "I'm just so glad you're okay."

Deke scoffed at the words, relaxing into the soft pillows while he shook his head. "Of course I was okay. I keep telling you, I have my good luck charm."

"I love you, so much, but one of these days you're actually going to have to tell me what the fuck that means."

-

In the end, they didn’t have to cancel their reservation. After a few days of monitoring and a few tests to make sure there was nothing obviously wrong, Deke was released from medical and allowed to sleep in his own bed again. Or, more accurately, Trevor’s bed, considering he hadn’t been out of the other agent’s line of sight since he woke up.

It  _ must _ have been luck, the fact that he was able to leave the base at all after everything that had happened. He was partially convinced that it was some kind of joke, that they’d go to leave and some alarms would go off and he’d be dragged back to bed for more tests and scans. As if he didn’t get enough of those while recovering from his concussion. 

But, no, it wasn’t a joke. They got dressed in what nice clothes they had, ties that weren’t quite the same shade of red and shirts with buttons, and made it all the way to the restaurant, and their reserved table, without any problems. 

Deke knew enough about Valentine’s Day from his years in the present that he wasn’t  _ shocked _ by the decorations. They really weren’t anything more than what he’d seen the one other time he’d been dragged along to a nice restaurant for the holiday, when he’d been stumbling blindly through the new life he’d tried to set up for himself. This was better than that. Classier. And he was actually...  _ happy. _

“They have a different menu than every other night, so you can’t just get the same thing as always.”

“I  _ know,  _ babe. This isn’t my first fancy date night.” Deke shook his head while he looked at the menu, scanning over his more limited choices. “And, for the record, the salmon I like  _ is _ available tonight. So,  _ ha.” _

With a roll of his eyes, Trevor smiled over at him and didn’t even try to make himself focus on their food options just yet. After the few weeks they’d had, he wanted to just savor the perfect moments they were actually getting. He’d started to think they’d never get their date night at all, in all the chaos. The fact that they were there was more than he could ask for. “You’re not going to branch out even just this once? That’s... kind of ridiculous. But, I guess we already had this conversation before you left.”

“Ridiculousness is really in my wheelhouse, yeah.” Shaking his head, Deke smiled that much wider and looked up from the menu again. “And, that was the night I got my lucky charm. It saved my life, and everything.”

The sigh that came from the other side of the table was slow and controlled, and his boyfriend leaned closer to the table to meet his gaze. “Okay, this is getting ridiculous even for you. Explain the good luck charm thing to me.”

Arching a brow, he set his own menu down and shook his head. He brought his hand up to roll down the sleeve covering his right arm - the movement revealed his scarred skin, and then, as he continued just a few inches higher, the little clover still drawn onto his skin. Or, rather, a very faded clover in blue ink underneath where someone had tried to draw over it with a darker pen. 

“I mean, I’m not left handed, so it was probably really shaky and bad, but it was fading, after a few days? It... it made me feel better, having a little bit of you, with me.”

Trevor reached over without hesitation, taking his hand and letting his fingers brush over the skin near his wrist. “It’s just a stupid doodle that I did while I was worried about you...”

_ “Exactly.”  _ Deke relaxed in his seat, his own smile softening. “You were worried about me, and that... I can’t really explain how much that actually means to me. I mean, I  _ could,  _ but I don’t think anyone actually wants me to start babbling right now.”

“Deke...”

“Because we’re trying to have this really special date night, at this  _ really _ nice restaurant, and that would just ruin everything, wouldn’t it? No one wants to hear my voice that much.”

“Deke, it’s-“

“And, really, I’m the stupid one, because I drew over it, which is kind of embarrassing, right? I mean, I’m supposed to be this strong, capable agent, and I’m clinging to this little idea that you put in my head that probably wasn’t even that serious.”

_ “Deke-“ _

“Oh my god, I’m babbling right now, aren’t I? I’m sorry, I’m trying to-

_ “Deke,  _ slow down for a second.” His boyfriend squeezed his hand gently, cutting in when he took a moment to breathe. “First off, you’re doing that apology thing. You don’t have to apologize to me for getting caught up and babbling. It’s cute, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s very normal to get nervous in all kinds of situations. Okay?” He waited until he got a nod in response before continuing, keeping his voice gentle. “I think that wanting to keep the clover on you is really sweet, not stupid. If you want to wash that one off, when we get back, tonight, I’ll draw you a fresh one, nicer than that. Really, it was just an anxious doodle, not anything impressive.”

Deke hesitated before nodding again, the tension that had built in his shoulders during his rambling slowly melting away. “Yeah, okay...” He was quiet for a moment, not letting go of the fingers clutching his hand even while his gaze dropped back down to the menu. “You don’t think it’s silly that I keep talking about it, do you? I mean, everyone keeps saying I was lucky to make it back in one piece, so i think it makes sense. If luck kept me alive, then there has to be a source of it. Only... I don’t think it would have mattered if it was a clover, or a star, or whatever else you wanted to draw. That’s just the one I happened to keep, but I meant what I said, Trev - I wanted to keep a piece of you with me while I was gone. I don’t need a clover for luck.  _ You _ are my good luck charm.”

The fingers twitched in his hand, and he watched Trevor take a slow breath before squeezing and holding on. “And I’m not going anywhere, so you’ll always be a little lucky. Maybe we can both draw on each other, later? Then, it’s kind of like we’re always together, even when we’re not.”

Deke smiled that much wider, biting his tongue to keep his emotions from bursting up from his chest until he could find his voice. “Yeah. I’d really like that.”


End file.
